Captain Fantom Read online

  Captain Fantom

  Reginald Hill

  For John and Edna

  who are not to blame for

  either the history

  or the morality

  though not necessarily

  in that order

  Editor’s Preface

  The owner of the Carlo Fantom memoirs wishes to remain anonymous. In the past her family has done the state some service, but as is often the case this has long been forgotten. Unjust and envious taxation has diminished her fortunes but not her pride, and she rejects equally sensationalism and sentiment as means of re-establishing her once-famous name. It is the fact that the Fantom memoirs are not easily traceable to their present source which made her investigate their commercial potential. I was flattered to be asked to look them over. Later I felt privileged also.

  The memoirs are written in such a variety of languages that I was able to read only about a third of them for myself, but I soon grasped their interest and value. Naturally I sought elsewhere for references to this strange and fascinating man. All I have been able to find is a very sketchy account of him in the writings of the seventeenth-century biographer and antiquarian, John Aubrey.

  I give it here in full:

  CAPTAIN CARLO FANTOM, a Croatian, spake thirteen languages; was a Captain under the Earle of Essex. He was very quarrelsome and a great Ravisher. He left the Parliament Party, and went to the King Ch. the first at Oxford, where he was hangd for Ravishing.

  Sd. he, I care not for your Cause: I come to fight for your halfe-crowne, and your handsome woemen: my father was a R. Catholic; and so was my grandfather. I have fought for the Christians against the Turkes; and for the Turkes against the Christians.

  Sir Robert Pye was his Colonel, who shot at him for not returning a horse that he tooke away before the Regiment. This was donne in a field near Bedford, where the Army then was, as they were marching to the relief of Gainsborough. Many are yet living that sawe it. Capt. Hamden was by: The bullets went through his Buff-coat, and Capt. H sawe his shirt on fire. Capt. Carl. Fantom tooke the Bullets, and sayd he, Sir Rob. Here, take your bullets again. None of the Soldiers would dare to fight with him: they sayd, they would not fight the Devil.

  Edmund Wyld, Esq, was very well acquainted with him, and gave him many a Treat, and at last he prevailed with him so far, towards the knowledge of this secret, that Fantom told him, that the Keepers in their Forests did know a certain herb, which they gave to Children, which made them to be shott-free (they call them Hard-men).

  In a Booke of Trialls by Duell in foli (writ by Segar, I thinke) before the Combatants fight, they have an Oath administered to them by the Herald; where is inserted (among other things) that they have not about them either Charme or Herb.

  Martin Luther in his Commentaries on the First (or second Commandment, I thinke the First) saies that a Hard-man was brought to the Duke of Saxonies Court: he was brought into the great Hall and was commanded to be shott with a Musquet: the bullet drop’t downe and he had only a blew Spott on his Skin, where he was struck. Martin Luther was then by, and sawe the Bullet drop-downe.

  They say that a silver bullet will kill any Hardman, and can be beaten to death with cudgels. The Elector Palatine, Prince Robert’s (Rupert’s) Brother, did not believe at all, that any man could make himself hard.

  Robert Earl of Essex, General for the Parliament had this Capt. Fantom in high esteeme: for he was an admirable Horse-officer, and taught the Cavalry of the army the way of fighting with Horse: the General saved him from hanging twice for Ravishing; once at Winchester, 2nd at St Albans: and he was not content only to ravish himselfe, but he would make his soldiers doe it too, and he would stand by and look on.

  He met (comeing late at night out of the Horse-shoe Tavern in Drury lane) with a Lieuetenant of Col. Rossiter, who had great jingling Spurres on. Qd. he, the noise of your Spurres doe offend me, you must come over the Kennel and give me satisfaction. They drew and parted at each other and the Lieuetenant was runne thorough and died within a hour or two: and ’twas not known, who killed him.

  I now set about the work of translation with a will. I was able to deal with the major European tongues myself, but the more obscure languages I had to farm out to professional translators. Curiously, Fantom nowhere writes in English, though he clearly spoke it perfectly. This may have been because the bulk of the memoirs seem actually to have been composed in England and the use of other languages hindered prying eyes. I have thus felt myself free to create an English style for Fantom. Naturally it is based principally on my own, which I hope shares a quality of muscular dignity with Fantom’s as evidenced in his French and German. Where frankness was required, I have not hesitated to use it; nor have I shrunk from using neologisms when the mood and tone of the original can best be caught by them.

  The owner of the memoirs has accepted absolutely my judgement of how to translate the works. But (and quite properly, I believe) she has retained to herself the right to decide the form and order of their publication.

  It is her choice that this first selection should cover a broad sweep of many years. She it is who picked out the thread of coherent narrative which runs through the episodes here presented. My task has merely been to tailor the whole together, and if at times I may have taken more than a translator’s licence with certain bridge passages, this is preferable

  I believe to the frequent intrusion of an editorial presence.

  Fantom’s memoirs are comprehensive. There is no gap but can be filled in. It is my unselfish hope that the reading public will be eager to hear more and thus restore to the last of an ancient family something of the comforts of life which unjust tribunals and the change of times have taken from her.

  Doncaster, 1977

  CHARLES UNDERHILL

  1623

  East Friesland — Brunswick — Munster

  I had a good war till they fixed Wallenstein.

  That was in ’33. No. I tell a lie. ’34.

  I’d had half a dozen very memorable years with him. Fighting the Emperor’s wars. Filching the Emperor’s wealth. Fucking the Emperor’s women.

  Oh yes. The Catholic faith got value for money from me.

  I was born a Catholic, you understand, and it has always been a great comfort to me to find myself soldiering under the banner of the True Church. Unfortunately it has not always been convenient. After an apprenticeship both with and against the Turks, Uskoks, and Venetians, I started my war service proper with Count Mansfeld in the Evangelical Union’s army. Union! We were more like a rampaging mob. But evangelical we certainly were, spreading the word right across Germany. Alas, if the trail of little bastards we left behind us all grew up Protestants, I fear I helped deal the True Church a nasty blow.

  Ernst Mansfeld wasn’t a bad sort, but his name stank in East Friesland where we were quartered in ’23. I was still young, not much past twenty, but I’d learned early that it’s not your own deeds that matter but the friends you’ve got when you’re caught. And after a few months’ experience of our economic strategy (a subtle combination of plunder, murder and rape), the local burghers about to slit your throat for thieving would slit your belly first if you mentioned Mansfeld’s name.

  Well, no man of honour could serve under these conditions and, besides, there was no money left to pay us with. So early one morning in late July I packed up my clothes, my arms, and my copy of Xenophon’s Hippike, saddled up Laura, my Andalusian mare, and with my two other mounts trotting behind, I headed south.

  A few days later I found myself on the edge of action once more and I made a few discreet observations before deciding where to offer my services. In fact, there was no competition. On the one side was Christian of Brunswick who was mad, one-armed, destitute, and i
n retreat. On the other was the much larger army of Maximilian of Bavaria, a well disciplined, well fed and regularly paid body of men. What really tipped the scale, of course, was that this force represented the cause of the True Church.

  The general was Tilly, a Belgian but a good soldier in spite of it. His men were mainly Spaniards (too cunning to get killed) and Saxons (too thick to notice it), a good combination. The officers were the usual mixed bunch from just about every nation in Europe. Some of them I knew already, either from fighting with or against them in the past. A professional must go where his talents are best rewarded.

  One of these, a grizzled old Scot who claimed to have started his military career fighting for Mary Stuart at Lang-side, encountered me soon after my arrival in the camp.

  ‘Well noo, Fantom, ye miserable turncoat,’ he greeted me.

  I laughed, though normally like most rogues I am quick to resent any slur on my honour. The point was that Lauder until a couple of months earlier had been fighting alongside me for the Evangelical Union. He offered to share his quarters with me till I had settled in and made myself familiar with the new set-up. Armies are like monasteries, alike but different, and the novice is well advised to tread carefully for a few days, so I accepted with pleasure.

  The army was bivouacked in a good defensive position along the inner bank of a deep curve of the Weser. Water behind, flat countryside ahead, and a small farming settlement, hardly big enough to be called a village, right in the middle. I saw my horses safely picketed, checked that the guard was awake and alert (for my horses were always of the best and naturally a source of some temptation to the raff), and followed Lauder. On our way from the picket line we encountered a fresh-faced young officer whom Lauder greeted in a friendly fashion though the boy’s response was off hand to the point of rudeness. I called him a boy because of his clean-shaven girlishly good looking face and pink and white complexion, but in fact he must have been almost of an age with me. I was surprised in view of his youth when Lauder introduced him to me as Colonel D’Amblève. Rank was of little interest to a mercenary like myself. Field officers had too much responsibility, got themselves too well known. I’d fight as hard as the next man for my money, but when the next man decided it was time to go home, I wanted to be with him or, better still, slightly ahead of him without being hauled before a court martial.

  But it was still annoying to find myself lower down the ladder than this pretty child. I saluted him civilly enough, however, and when he enquired whence I had come, I assumed this was the usual professional interest and answered without hesitation.

  His lips pursed in distaste and he said to Lauder, ‘Another of your good example. When the trumpet sounds, I hope you will know which way to face.’

  ‘Our horses are well trained, sir,’ said Lauder courteously.

  ‘Your horses will not be distressed by the trumpet I speak of,’ said D’Amblève pompously. ‘Though you may be. Gentlemen, good day.’

  He strode away, vibrating self-righteousness. His scarlet and blue cloak flapped in the wind and his large enamelled silver spurs (worn, I hoped, for ornament not use) tinkled as he walked, making more noise than a flock of Turkish sheep.

  I took a step after him, my instincts prompting me to plant the toe of my boot between the cheeks of that tight little arse, but Lauder restrained me.

  ‘He is a Belgian,’ he said. ‘And second cousin to the General.’

  ‘Ah,’ I said. D’Amblève’s rank and Lauder’s acceptance of his discourtesy were at once explained. Professionally, I shared the old Scot’s attitude, of course; but I told myself inwardly, should D’Amblève ever go down in the charge and I be close, then not all the honied words in Castiglione’s book of courtesy would coax assistance from me.

  Some naughty god must have heard me for two days later this very situation arose. The army was advancing through heavily wooded country and I was scouting ahead with what the English very aptly call the Forlorn Hope, that small advance force whose job it is to start any ambushes the enemy may have laid. In fact, it was rarely as dangerous as it sounded for usually what you encountered was the enemy’s Forlorn Hope and after a token skirmish, each group went galloping back to report to the main force.

  This time however we ran into a substantial ambuscade. We were riding down a low narrow field bordered by copses of birch and elm when ahead of us and to the left there was the dull crack of a musket. I pulled up instantly, guessing that, as often happened, someone’s matchlock had gone off prematurely, and this was confirmed by a rapid rattle of fire from the trees ahead. A few more paces would have brought us opposite the concealed musketeers and our casualties could have been heavy. As it was, two or three of my men were hit and several horses, and while we were still struggling to regain control, from behind the copse to our left appeared a force of enemy cavalry twice as large as our own. I gave the order to withdraw and rapidly set a good example. Orfeo, my Arab gelding, was the best schooled and the fleetest horse in the troop and naturally I was soon well ahead of the bunch. So fast was I going that I almost ran right into a party of our own cavalry headed by the beautiful boy, Colonel D’Amblève.

  I did not need to explain the situation as the rest of my men now appeared at the gallop with the enemy close on their heels.

  ‘Still facing the wrong way, Fantom,’ said this fresh-faced shit.

  I said nothing but let Orfeo pick his way through D’Amblève’s horse, not caring to be in the front line when the charge hit us. It wasn’t the enemy that bothered me so much as my own men who, unable or unwilling to pull up between their pursuers and their rescuers, hit the latter like a volley of cannon. Horses reared and screamed, riders were unseated, ally shouted abuse at ally, and swords were raised in anger. And the enemy had not yet arrived.

  But now they did. Their impetus drove them deep through the already broken ranks of our riders. Numbers were now about equal but the advantage was very much with the enemy and had they been more expertly led, they would quickly have gained the mastery. But they had no idea of tactics other than to stand in their stirrups and hack about wildly; and as most of them were armed with tucks, or even rapiers, both designed for thrusting rather than chopping, this was less than effective. For all that, it was nasty enough, and I let Orfeo walk delicately round the periphery of the combat for a few moments. It’s one thing to charge hot blooded into the middle of a fight, another to edge your horse coldly into it. But this was what I was paid for, so I drew the short, heavy, double-edged sword I carried for close quarter work and joined the fray.

  Indiscriminate hacking is pretty useless, unless you’re desperate to clear a space for yourself, for you are as likely to cut down your friends as your foe. I crouched low against Orfeo’s neck and picked my targets carefully. The enemy like ourselves were only lightly armoured. Had they been cuirassiers, I shouldn’t have bothered to get mixed up with them. But these men wore only helmets and corselets and occasionally greaves. Their horses were almost completely unprotected, so when I couldn’t get the angle I wanted for a thrust through the side where the corslet was hinged, I contented myself with drawing the backhand edge of my sword – which was serrated like a saw – across their horses’ bellies or sometimes their hamstrings. It wasn’t spectacular fighting but I reckon I inflicted more damage in five minutes than D’Amblève and all his men together. My main concern was whether or not the Protestant musketeers would come up behind their cavalry who would then quickly disengage to let the foot soldiers mow us down with a concentrated volley. I began to think I might be better employed riding for assistance to our main army when suddenly a horse fell close by with a terrible scream. It threshed about for a few moments, its belly ripped open, and the horses round about moved away leaving a small clearing in the middle of the skirmish.

  Lying there in a pool of blood, which regretfully I quickly realized came from his dying horse, was D’Amblève. He had managed to injure his left leg in falling – perhaps he had stabbed himself with one
of those damned silly spurs – and he was using his sword as a crutch to push himself upright. This is not such a good idea when two very ill-disposed riders are bearing down on you, content to trample you underfoot if their rapier thrusts miss.

  D’Amblève saw his danger, brought his sword up to parry the threatened blows and, deprived of his prop, fell flat on his face in his horse’s bowels. As a temporary evasive tactic, it worked and both the Protestant blows whistled through empty air. D’Amblève should have feigned dead. It might have meant putting up with a couple of horses walking across him, but discomfort is only relative. Instead he pushed his upper body off the ground, raised his head and looked straight at me.

  Annoyed as men become who tread on a beetle then see it scuttle away when they raise their feet, the two Protestants pulled their horses round to finish off the job.

  I should have let them get on with it. If I had known the trouble his survival would bring me, I’d have done more – I’d have given them a hand! But he was a brother officer, up to his neck in equine blood and shit, and his only offence had been to be rude to me.

  And, of course, he was our commander-in-chief’s cousin and apparently of some sentimental value.

  So I urged Orfeo forward, waited till the first rider rose out of his saddle, and sank my sword into his groin. Leaving it there, I now drew my pistol – my precious English dog-lock which I could carry into battle primed and cocked with hardly any risk of it going off prematurely and blowing away my balls – rested the butt between Orfeo’s ears and fired into the second man’s face. I then retrieved my sword, ran the serrated edge quickly across the first rider’s neck as he threw back his head to scream, and pulled D’Amblève across the saddle in front of me like a sack of flour.

  Orfeo bore us both away from the press and as soon as we were quite clear I tipped the youngster into a ditch where he could lie in safety till the fighting was over. I could have borne him back triumphantly to the main army, I suppose, but to tell the truth he smelt so foully that I felt quite nauseated and I could tell that Orfeo didn’t care much for it either.